OMFG Another Sacred Stones Parody
by Numdenu
Summary: From the author of Self Help: Sacred Stones Parodies comes her own, custom tailored spoof! Five chapters, the newest featuring dumplings, evil plotting, and...Lyn? Don't die, Franz! WARNING: Innuendo and Sethbashing!
1. The Infamous Prologue

Well, finally, I can't stand this dusty idea sitting around anymore!

Entire Cast of Sacred Stones: And…?

So I'm starting your story, NOW!

Cast: WOOHOO!!!

…Dang, MC: DD peeps thought it was hell…ah, whatever. Now before I begin….

Eirika: She doesn't own us…thank whatever deities exist. If she did, Lyon wouldn't have died. Or at least in a much more tragic way.

**WARNING!** This fanfic contains the following:

Swearing

Innuendo

Minor crossing-over

Utter Nonsense

Minor Sethbashing

Singing

Alcohol

Eirika/Lyon pairing

Eirika: Hey wait! Don't I get a say in this?

Ummm…no. Besides, it won't be long before we all know… (-wink wink nudge nudge-) …about that plu—(CENSORED to prevent spoilers)

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A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a continent known as Magvel. It is a place of generic terrain and strife, complete with peasants and plagues, mythical creatures and nobles trying to either kill you off or bed you. Strangely enough, all war on this continent has ceased for about 800 years. That is because…well, now-a-days, because the soldiers, commanders, and royalty are too lazy to get off their bums to wage any war. But it used to be because they remembered….

…_The Sacred Stones…._

_These shiny, powerful rocks are all that seal evil away from Magvel. And, considering they had 800 years, why didn't they beef up their defenses against those nasty demons from other worlds or something like that? Silly humans…oh, wait, I used to be one. Damn._

_Well, anyhow, they contain holy demon-sealing power or some crap like that, and were somehow used to defeat the Demon King in some epic battle hoo-ha about (there's that number again) 800 years ago. Some say they radiate holy light that seared him, others say they were placed in the hilt of fancy weapons. Still others just think they chucked them at the demon until he got up and left. Of course, most of those people are peasants, so they don't count. Yay peasants._

_But, now (Oh GOD, not again) 800 years later, something quite unexpected happened that shook the very foundations of the continent…._

…_Grado got off its ass and launched an invasion against Renais. They rampaged, unable to be stopped despite the efforts of Renais' armies, happily pillaging, slaughtering, running over peasants with ballistae, stealing livestock, and cracking horribly bad jokes at the pubs each evening over a mug of ale and an ewe in a brassiere._

And, soon, as it is foretold by the many fanfiction writers, Renais will fall. That's the bad news. The REALLY bad news is that it won't make a big crash when it does. Well, among political parties, yes, but it won't go, "BOOOOOM!" as the capital topples down. Shame, really.

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"FAAAAAAAAATHER!" A loud, banshee-like screech echoed through the halls of Renais Castle. Eirika, Princess of Renais, seemed to be the source of this ruckus, and she continued screaming and strolling down the halls, oblivious to the massacre of her countrymen. "FATHER! Where the HELL did you go?" She continued into the throne room. "FA—oh, look who it is. Beat it, carrot!" She roughly shoved Seth aside. "FATHER!"

Seth blinked. "Your Highness? Our troops are…uh…"

"Being massacred, yes, I know. Got to me at first, but I can't do squat when I'm unarmed. FATHER! Where the hell are you?"

"Did you lose him again?" The carrot-haired Paladin sighed.

"Well," Eirika rubbed her chin in thought, "I wouldn't have to look for him if I hadn't lost the armory, stables, and the bathroom."

"…The bathroom, Milady?"

"Yeah. I keep a spare Silver Sword in there."

"Hey lookie!" a random Grado soldier cried in triumph. "I found a Silver Sword in this 'ere bathroom! My ewe will love this!"

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!" came Eirika's responding cry.

"Milady?" Seth questioned, "How in the world did you lose the armory, stables, bathroom, and your father?"

Eirika turned to face him. "The same way you killed off your own horse and fifty recruits, thinking they were cameos trying to take over the world. Except with much more dignity than you could ever muster."

"But I'm positive that kid in green with the weird ears and the fairy was one!" Seth whined. (!)

"Well, maybe, but you didn't have to kill forty-nine other recruits, AND your old horse."

"The horse was possessed by Satan!"

"Suuuure…and I'm a changeling," Eirika muttered sarcastically.

"Hmmm…" pondered Seth, taking his turn at chin rubbing, "that would explain a lot."

"Oh, shut up and give me your sword."

"Milady, I like my Margie!"

Eirika stared at the paladin for a long moment. "…Margie?"

"Yes, Margie. My sword." Seth explained. "I wash her and sleep with her every night."

"…FATHER!" Eirika burst after a moment of silence. "The General is scaring me! …Father? WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!"

Then, a fine chestnut stallion stormed through the castle, nostrils flaring, mane flying, tail whipping about. It came, its hooves pounding the tile, bearing its rider. The rider, however, didn't look near as impressive as the horse; he was clinging on for his dear life.

"See?!" Seth outburst. "Milady, I TOLD you! Satan is possessing our horses!"

The rider managed to pull his wild stallion to a halt. "Actually, the king stabbed it in the rear before he got massacred," the cavalier explained.

"Ahhhhhhhh," said Eirika with new realization, "that's why I couldn't find him! Now, what about the armory…?"

Seth blinked for a moment before declaring that the king had to be Satan, and that was why Grado was attacking, and a possible explanation for Eirika. He quickly shut up after being slapped with the force of a thousand whales dropped on top of a turnip.

The cavalier sighed. "Milady, allow me to escort you to the armory."

"Oh, shut up Franz," Seth spit. "Nobody likes you."

"Yes they do!" Franz argued back. "My cousin Al does…all twelve of them in fact!"

Eirika blinked, obviously taken by surprise. "Twelve cousins with the same name?"

Franz looked up thoughtfully. "Well, not exactly. There's Alfred, Albert, Alphonse (!), Alicia, Alex…"

"WE GET IT!" Eirika snapped.

"…We do?" Seth blinked.

"Excuse me," growled Surprise, "But I was s'posed to have taken this wench 'ere a few lines up, so if you don't mind…."

Eirika promptly snatched a rapier out of thin air and ran Surprise through. "Well, I guess we should head off…Frelia, anyone?"

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"ARRRRRRRRRGH!" Valter cried in desperation. "Where the hell is that wench?"

Nothing happened.

"CINEMATIC HERE!" shouted the wyvern knight at the top of his wrinkled lungs. "GET OUT HERE, DOGS OF RENAIS!"

Nothing continued to happen.

"HELLO?!?" Valter screamed with increasing rage.

This time, something did happen. It was not, however, the intended event. Rather than Eirika, Seth, and Franz scampering out of the castle, someone yelled at him to shut up and threw a hefty boot at him, knocking him out cold. His two underlings looked at each other, then decided to go grab a soda. Fools; they can't share the same soda! That would be gross!

Oh yeah, our three heroes scampered by unseen, thus avoiding any dialogue.

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Eirika sighed. "Franz, you were supposed to have ridden ahead a while back. Y'know, to alert Frelia and all that hoo-ha?"

"Don't die, Franz!" Seth cried to his underling.

Franz glared at the sentence above. "General, I'm not an underling."

"Just go." Franz this time did as he was told and rode ahead.

After pausing for a Moment of Silence, then snoozing through the "Random Valley in the Middle of Nowhere" Morning Announcements ("Seth, shut up that loudspeaker, please. We're not in a school," Eirika had complained), they decided to keep moving, namely to a nice coffee shop somewhere, then to EBGames to see if there was a Wii in stock, as well as how much it cost, then to a pay phone to see if Eirika could contact Ephraim, and ultimately to Castle Frelia.

Before they could set out on their epic outing, however, three axemen came in hot pursuit.

"You 'ere!" their leader shouted. "Yous all comin' wiv us!"

Eirika blinked. "Did that man get his tongue cut out or something?"

Seth blinked and made a more idiotic comment. "Isn't You the name of a violinist in a J-Pop band?" He decided to ponder this while Eirika was left to shish-kabob the axemen, and was at last awakened by a slap.

"Huh?" Seth whipped his head around, trying to get a grasp of his surroundings.

A bloodied Eirika was standing over him, looking quite pissed. Oh, who am I kidding? Pissed doesn't even begin to do that glare justice. "You do realize you just sat there for the whole battle, right?"

"I…did? I-I mean…I did…my apologies, Milady." Seth fumbled with his words.

Eirika groaned. "Instead of pondering the meaning of life, why don't you HELP next time?!" She pointed her rapier at the Paladin, her eyes burning with fury.

"…To…Frelia?" Seth offered weakly.

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Well, my mom read over this and liked it, despite not knowing who the hell anyone was. Especially the ewes. This was also spell-checked; I need to make a good first impression!

Lute: Are we done here yet?

Yes, okay, fine. I need to work on some of my stuff in progress.


	2. Rhyme Time

Gawdang! I just wanna keep writing and writing and writing and go to Magfest and keep writing and writing and...

Lute: Please, keep your uber run-ons to yourself!

Jeez, sorr-REE! Now, should I listen to Zelda or FMA background music?

Lute: Because Lord knows you didn't rip that Gackt CD to your computer when you had the chance.

SANDWICH!

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"YAAAAAAAAH!" Franz and Gilliam screamed in unison charging into the field. The _empty_ field.

Franz blinked. "Huh...they must not be here yet."

"_Now look what you've done, you goon!_

_We've gone and showed up here too soon!_" Gilliam spoke in a baffling rhyme.

"You've been doing that ever since I arrived in Frelia," Franz said, sighing. "Would you please stop that?"

"_My boy, I do believe I'm cursed,_

_But at least it could have been worse!"_

"Ugh...why me?"

"_Snicker doodles, pots and pans!_

_Did I mention? Don't die, Franz!_"

"I'M NOT GONNA DIE!" Franz shouted in rage. "HOW THE HELL DO I DIE WHEN I'M JUST SITTING HERE ON MY HORSE AND THERE'S NO ENEMY AROUND? HUH?"

"_Now boy, there's no need to spazz,_

_...I could go for some Hagen-Dazs._"

"'Ay! Props!" a new voice shouted. "Mind staying o'er there 'til it's yur turn t' do somthin? I gots t' catch me that 'ere castle!"

"And that would be the enemy boss," Franz groaned through his hands, where he had placed his face.

Gilliam spoke again in that infuriating rhyming. "It_ seems we now face Breguet._

_He's rather quite the weakling, I bet!_"

"Ah'm not a weaklin'!" Breguet shook his armored fist at the obnoxious knight. "Ah've gots me mah keep!"

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"SETH! You took the wrong turn, stupid! That's back to Renais castle!" Eirika shrieked from a fork in the road after the wayward Paladin.

"It's not my fault!" Seth whined. "Satan is possessing the horses of Renais still! Milady, this one must be culled!"

"Seth, if you kill that horse, you'll have no steed left," Eirika reasoned. "Now, let me see it...there we go, beauty!" She cooed to the horse and stroked its muzzle. "Aren't you—GYAH! OWWWWW!!!"

The horse had clamped its powerful (albeit flat) teeth down on Eirika's hand.

Seth paused for a moment. "Maybe it's not possessed by Satan...but maybe by an angel!"

"An angel? Seth, what are you blithering about now?"

"Well, devils are fallen angels, right? So if devils can possess people...or horses...then angels can, too!"

"And you're saying this horse is possessed by an angel," Eirika said, scowling, "because it bit me?"

"...That's about right, Milady."

Eirika huffily continued along the correct path, nursing her hand, and not really caring if Seth followed. Of course, Seth was on "Autofollow," so there really wasn't any escape from him. This just served to anger Eirika more, but she arrived at the scene of Border Mulan in the nick of time to kick ass, so all was remedied.

"MILADY!!!!!" Franz came charging down. "Save me from this rhyming fool!"

"_Fool I am not, you should know!_

_YOU'RE dumber than cookie dough!_" Gilliam responded in his obnoxious verse.

Before Seth could meditate on the violinist from a J-Pop band, he was thrown unceremoniously off his steed and into the fray.

"Ahhhhh! I'm not used to combat on foot!" Seth desperately swung his Silver Lance about him. "Horse! Here, my faithful, angel-possessed steed! To me!"

His horse stormed straight past him, bearing a new rider into combat. "B-but...MILADY! That's mine!" In response, Eirika turned the horse around and ran right over the carrot-apple-tomato head.

Franz, meanwhile, approached Breguet, the latter engulfed in a game on his DS. He didn't have the stylus out, however, so Franz assumed he was playing a game for the GBA.

He peeked over the enemy commander's shoulder. "Whatchya playing?"

"Fire Emblem," Breguet replied, not even looking up.

"Which one?"

"Sacred Stones."

Silence.

"Wait..."

"N00BS!" Eirika proclaimed from horseback. "I have come to slay the tyrant who is holding Tana captive! Wait...how'd I know that?" Silence. "Hey, whatchya playing?"

"Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones," Franz and Breguet said in unison.

Eirika blinked. "So...you're controlling every move we make?"

"Yah," Breguet said simply.

He was run through hastily.

More silence.

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"OhMyGodEirikaYou'reAliveOhEmGee!" Tana squealed. "OhMyGodIThoughtYouWereGonnaDieOrMaybeNot...COOKIES! SUGAR-HIGH WALNUTS! YAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

Eirika sighed. "Hello, sugar-high friend of mine. How has your experience as a hostage been?" Oh, she was walking again, because according to her, Seth's saddle smelled like an exploding SNES with a hint of sulphur and carbohydrates.

"CORMAG!" was Tana's sugar'd up response.

"But...Cormag hasn't even been introduced yet," reasoned Franz.

Tana was too sugar high to pay attention. "Link! He come to town!"

Franz groaned. "Milady...may we please shut her up?"

"I've tried everything in the book," Eirika sighed in dismay. "We just have to weather it."

"MINISH CAP: DELETED DIALOGUES!" Tana's squealing continued.

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Well, that's all folks! (for now)

Lute: Huzzah.

Review and make me happy.

Lute: Overused.

Well, okay then. If you don't review, I'll have Sugar High Tana hunt you down, tie you up, and feed you to Innes for breakfast. And if Innes isn't hungry, she'll tickle you with a feather until he is.

Lute: You have no shame, do you?

What, the Minish Cap: Deleted Dialogues thing? Well...no I don't. Not here, anyway. XP

Lute: Save me...


	3. Like Drunkard, Like Son

I'm BAAAAAACK!!

Chibi Link: Oh, yay.

Sorry, I've been Roleplaying on DeviantART. Pwnsome 1337, d00d!

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"Oh chit (hic)…chit, thar be bandits. (hic) Chit…Ross, go chop th' dog…" a middle-aged man slurred. Then he took another swig of ale. "Th' dog 'ere needs-a choppin'."

"You mean the bandits…right?" A confused-looking youth with an axe resting on his shoulder stared out the window. "Oh crap, they're torching the town! And there goes Mom! HI MOM!" He waved to a woman getting dragged off by a bandit, then snapped to his senses. "Crap, they got Mom!"

"Yur mother (hic) died a loong time ago…(hic) galaxy far, far away, aye…"

"Fine," growled the youth, "you just stay here with your snoot in a mug while I get the glory! TO BATTLE!" He let out a quite pathetic warcry and charged outside.

"Smerf (hic) potatoes…Glory? Where?!" The drunkard grabbed his axe and followed his son into the fray.

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"_Ai shitemo ii kai? yureru yoru ni  
Aru ga mama de ii yo motto fukaku  
Kuruoshii kurai ni nareta kuchibiru ga  
Toke au hodo ni  
Boku wa...kimi no...vanilla"_

Seth was greeted with a box of Chinese take-out in the face, followed by, "Your singing sucks!"

Everybody was trudging on through the…terrain…yeeeah…towards Grado. The path the game designer had mapped out led them through Serafew, home of the famous Narcissist Bull Jumpers of Serafew. Well, obviously of Serafew, because Serafew is their home as stated earlier, and…bah! Nevermind!

Anyway, they were passing through a decrepit little—wait, where the heck were they? Methinks we could use a flashback!

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"ZomgCookiesCookiesYOU BURNTTHEMnoezIlovemehCookieshowCOULDyouCormagis1337andIlikepie!"

Eirika growled to herself as she dragged the sugarhigh Tana through the city surrounding Castle Frelia. What the heck was that Pegasus Knight on…and where could she get some?

As for why they were in town instead of Castle Frelia, well, one would assume they were traveling to the castle, but that would be incorrect; for some mysterious reason, Hayden had arranged to meet in a tavern with the quite strange name of "Toys R Us".

Turns out, it wasn't a tavern.

"_Why, this is quite a big surprise!_

_And I was hoping for French Fries!_" Gilliam rhymed, obviously ticked off at the bunch of kiddy toys instead of promising food.

Franz blinked. "They have French Fries in taverns around here?"

"Of course they do!" Seth butted into the conversation, roaring with outrage. "If a tavern doesn't have any French Fries, it's a laughingstock and most likely will be burnt to make room for a church!"

"…A church?"

"Yes a church! You know those blasted clergymen! About the only difference between them and nobles is that they don't have as much money!"

"…And they don't try to bed you…" Franz added.

Seth glared at the Cavalier. "Oh, hell yes they do! The older priests, especially!"

Before the now disturbed and probably scarred Franz could say anything more, Hayden's head popped out of a ball pit. "Welcome! I see you came!"

Eirika moodily flung Tana down in front of the king. "What the heck is she on?!"

"…Well…I don't know. She had been acting like that since about two days after she was born." Hayden stroked his chin. "A breath of fresh air from Emo Kid, if you ask me."

"You mean Innes," Eirika said without emotion.

"Yeah, him. Anyways," said Hayden, waving his hand to dismiss the subject of his Emo son, "I have decided that Gilliam will continue to escort you, accompanied by Vanessa, over there…" he pointed to a stressed out looking girl with green hair, "…and Father Moulder."

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Seth wailed completely randomly to everyone, save the scarred Cavalier. "He's the worst of them! He's rumored to have kidnapped little girls and—oh, gods, I'm not even going to finish that sentence!"

"A-any…mention of him…doing that t-to…to boys?" Franz was quaking (and oddly still on horseback).

"Oh no, he's perfectly straight." Seth realized what he just said and heaved a sigh of relief. "We're spared, Franz!" He proceeded to perform a retarded little happy dance (and for some reason, he too was still on horseback).

"…But what about Lady Eirika?" Franz asked, suddenly remembering the Princess.

Seth froze mid-happy dance and his smile faded. "Oh shit."

"Hey! Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Tomato!" Hayden yelled from his ball pit. "Go follow that Princess! She needs a promising knight and a sub-par experience hog!"

"Promising knight?" Franz beamed.

"Sub-par experience hog?" Seth whined.

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So, back to the present. Apparently, the motley crew had grabbed some Chinese food and were heading to Serafew, home of the famous Narcissist Bull Jumpers of Serafew.

…Wait, since when did Serafew have Narcissist Bull Jumpers?

…That can wait. Right now, the party was passing through Ide, some remote little place that was completely unimportant. However, Vanessa was told to scout ahead (she screamed like a madwoman for some reason) and when she returned, she reported that the village was on fire, and that she spotted a drunkard and a youth fighting off a horde of bandits, and fairing well when the drunkard accidentally struck the youth.

When Eirika announced that they were to all drive off the bandits, Vanessa screamed again.

"Hmmm…okay, everybody in! I'll take the lead, Seth keeps me from dying, Franz takes care of the bandits that'll spawn over there in a few turns," she indicated some mountains north of a mini-village, "Vanessa rescues the kid first, then his father, and brings them to Mold," another madwoman scream, "Mold heals them, and Gilliam grabs the villages because he's too slow to really do anything else." Eirika finished her mini-tirade.

"But Milady..." Seth asked, "how did you know all this?"

"Simple. I am in possession of the ASG," Eirika said simply.

"ASG?"

"Yes, ASG, abbreviation for Almighty Strategy Guide, coined in Minish Cap: Deleted Dialogues." Holy crap, shameless advertising!

And thus, with a warcry of, "Don't die, Franz," did the battle begin.

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Things were stirring elsewhere, however, namely in the mountains where the party will be headed next chapter...

"At last!" A five-foot-nothing (short) woman with a huge axe and a cloak of badger pelts cackled. "Whilst the bandit Bazba is away pillaging, I shall claim his base of operations and use it to further my own goals! CATS! TO ME!"

"Mew," mewed several cats, heeding their mistress's call.

"Come, my pretties!" the crazy cat lady with the huge axe cackled. "It is time to interrogate the prisoner! And I've brought the _tuna oil_..."

"Mew!"

"Uh, excuse me," said a lilac-haired man in kick-arse mage robes, who was chained to the wall, "what is tuna oil going to do?"

"Oh, this is what I do to those who have resisted my Art History lectures for too long...and you, Leon—"

"Lyon. With a Y."

"Oh?" The crazy cat lady raised an eyebrow. "You mean the Prince of Grado Lyon? The one with the kick-arse dark magic who gets possessed by the Demon King, has a crush on Eirika—"

"Well, not really a crush anymore...more like a..."

"—Dies, Gets unlocked when you clear Lagdou Ruins three times, and really isn't supposed to show up this early in the story?"

"...Yeah. That's me."

The madwoman paused for a second, then shrugged. "Doesn't matter. It's the TUNA OIL for you! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" She continued cackling as she opened a can of the foul-smelling stuff and, after removing Lyon's shoes, poured the oil all over his feet.

Lyon winced at the smell, then paused and asked, "What the heck is this supposed to do?"

And then, as if in response to his question, one of the cats licked his right foot. Then two cats started licking his right foot. Before he knew it, six cats had set upon his toes, licking, clawing for a spot, and even biting.

The net product was the Necromancer screaming in anguish. "AHHHHH! Stop! IT TICKLES!"

"HAH! And now, to finish you off, I will bring in my daughter and get her to rant about the concept art for Zelda: Twilight Princess!" The madwoman cackled again. "Come—"

"Not now," called down a voice. "I'm writing."

"WHAT?!" The madwoman screamed up. "You dare to defy ME? Vulfhild, QUEEN of the CATS?!"

"Sorry, if you want someone to worship you, maybe you should show your cats to a certain animate suit of armor," the girl upstairs said boredly.

Little did anyone know that the girl was not only writing…but _multitasking_….

**Numdenu:** ZOMG My mom caught Lyon! She used the tuna oil on him!

**Silver FerretX-039:** ZOMFG!

**Numdenu:** Borgo Ridge. Get here ASAP. I'm upstairs, Mom's in the throne room. And bring that OC.

**Silver FerretX-039:** What, the Gorgon one?

**Numdenu:** Yep. Cya when u get here. I'll be toying with the RPG Maker. Phone me if u need anything.

**Silver FerretX-039:** Kk. Cya.

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Back at the scene of the skirmish….

"NOOOOOOO!" the youth cried as Vanessa pulled him up into the air. "I was kicking fine arse! WHY?"

Before he could continue screaming, however, Vanessa landed by Moulder, who healed him. Said the youth: "HOLYCRAPI'MHEALED! You're okay…I guess. Name's Ross. Nice to be working with you. Now go get my dad." And with that, the newly recruited Ross strode back into the fray (to come back a bit later screaming and his arm dangling by a strip of flesh. Nasty.).

"Mold!" Franz cried. "Gilliam tried to help me with these bandits spawning up here after he collected the loot from the villages here! So…don't come over here. We've got an Elixir."

"But I can heal for cheap, nay FREE!" Moulder whined.

"Who cares? You're a nasty old man!"

About this time, Vanessa came over the mountains with Ross's father, and after depositing him on the ground, was asked to help out. She responded with a scream.

"Dad!" Ross walked up to his father. "Apologize for almost cleaving me in half earlier!"

"No point, Ross…we've-a been (hic) captured by them bandits (hic) haven't we?" The man slurred.

"No, Dad. They're helping defend the remaining villages. Come on and introduce yourself to these nice people."

"Oh…(hic) I be Garcia…th' hell are you (hic) wussies doin' here?"

"Helping us, Dad. There's quite a few of them."

"Ross, you idjit. We (hic) screwed…."

While this was going on, at the front of the army, Eirika was once again dissing Seth. "I swear, you couldn't find a piece of hay in a haystack! You'd get lost in a cage four feet square! And you—oh, hold on," she said, skewering another bandit with an Iron Sword she had picked up at the armory, "—and you smell like a dung shoveler!"

Seth twitched at the mention of "dung shoveler" and looked around him, clearly paranoid. Eirika noticed and continued her rant. "What? Were you traumatized by a dung shoveler?"

"DON'T MENTION DUNG SHOVELERS!" Seth was shaking uncontrollably and grabbed the nearest thing, other than his horse…which happened to be a bandit's leg. The bandit was hanging upside down now, because Seth was still on his horse when he grabbed the bandit's leg. "DON'T SEND ME BACK THERE! I BEG YOU!"

The bandit clearly did not care for this "dung shoveler" tirade. "Ay! You! Lemme go, b----! Ah said, lemme go! Y' can't jest do taht t' theh great an' mighty Bazba!"

"Huh?" Eirika blinked, confused. "But aren't you the boss in the next chapter?"

"Yeh din't gimme time teh retreat!"

"Oh, well then, hello and goodbye." She promptly ran Bazba through. "Seth, leave him to rot."

"But Ah'm still 'ere!" Bazba roared. "Yeh're gonna pay fer dat, girlie!" And, despite the fact he should have died from being stabbed through the heart, lo and behold, he got back up!

"So?" Eirika seemed unfazed. "I'm faster, so I get to attack again. That's how this combat system works."

"Milady!" Seth cried. "There's something called the Fourth Wall! You must not break it!"

"So? Eph does it all the time, being the brownie-obsessed idiot he is."

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"Milord?" A fifteen year old in a red trenchcoat and mounted scratched his head. "Your hair…it changed again."

A lance wielder on foot looked up at his hair. "Oh, crap! Someone dissed me and used the word 'brownie' in the same sentence!"

"But why, Milord," asked the apparent replacement for Forde, "does your hair turn pink when that happens?"

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Eirika, oblivious to that whole skit, ran Bazba through a second time. And a third. And a fourth, fifth, sixth…

"Dammit, why won't you die?!" Eirika shrieked with rage.

Bazba shrugged. "Mebbe I don't wanna!"

"Seth, off with his head."

The Paladin in question sighed. "Fine, Milady." But before he could, Franz rode by and skewered the bandit on a lance. "Hey! That was my kill!"

"Shut up, Seth. The mission's over. Deal."

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I must say, I was quite distracted, between roleplaying, psyching out over J-Rock, and drawing stuff for my account on DeviantART.

Alphonse: Well, seems you typed a heck of a lot.

O.O I did! HOLY CRAP!


	4. Don't Die, Franz!

(-is zombiefied-) O.O

Alphonse Elric: Uhhh… (-pokes-)

KINGDOM HEARTS HAS STOLEN MY SOUL!!!!!!

Al: EEEK! (-runs away-)

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"Mew!" A cat rushed into the throne room of Vulfhild, mewing ferverently. Vulfhild seemed to be alarmed by the mews.

"What?! They're coming?"

"Mew!"

"…It seems we must beef up defenses. Give the order!" Vulfhild shoved a note at the cat, which took it in its mouth and scampered off. "They came from Ide faster then I expected." She glanced around the room, a nervous gesture, but stopped when she noticed Lyon no longer under cat torture, and boredly carving into the wall 'LYON WAS HERE'. "…Well, you're no use. Let's just hope the door guards stall them."

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"…So then the window broke, and what explanation does Eph give? That I fell through it! Can you believe that?" Eirika recounted. "I mean, really. It wasn't my fault that he couldn't reach the cookies when he was seven!"

Nobody was listening.

"Hello? Hellooooooo…."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"Huh?" Eirika looked around, confused. "Who was that?"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" A pink haired girl crashed through the party, crying buckets. "WAAAAAAAAHHHH! WAAAAAAHHHH!" She finally shut up after crashing into Gilliam, who promptly toppled over, top heavy. "Ah. That was a nice cry! Now, where…am…I?" The girl looked around at the bowled over army nervously.

Eirika was the first up. "What the HELL is wrong with you, lady?!?"

"…Look, please, help me here! My village was razed by bandits, and they took my mirror, and then my friend Colm went to steal it back from them! So I'm looking for him—he should be at the bandit's base, I can lead you there—and then I was walking, and a horde of cats and some dude on a big-ass wyvern came out of nowhere and started attacking! I shot at the wyvern rider, and ran from the cats for fifty miles until I got to a restaurant in the middle of nowhere, and asked for help! No one would hear my tale, so I sat down and looked at the menu, but then I got a paper cut and I ran out crying! So, uh…do you have a bandaid?"

There was the sound of crickets chirping. "…Anyone?" Even the crickets silenced. "…The game programmers want me to join your group anyway…so will you raid the bandit base? Maybe I'll start crying again and run them all over…."

"S-sure…yeah, okay. Sounds like you use a bow. That's good. I'm Eirika, and these are my gophers," Eirika said at last.

"GOPHERS?!" The rest of the army exploded.

"And I'm Neimi!" The pink haired girl chirped. "The bandit base is this way."

And suddenly, Franz's horse tripped on a rock, sending the cavalier flying.

"Don't die, Franz!" Seth called from the safety of his horse. Franz groaned and pulled himself up before mounting.

And thus the party traveled onward, the Lord of the Rings theme blaring in the background.

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"Borgo Ridge…Bazba's Bandits, now led by Vulfhild the Crazy Cat Lady. Our target is sighted." The speaker, a woman of about nineteen years, with the lower half of a snake, was looking through binoculars. Her olive brown skin and hair screamed peculiarity, and when she lowered the binoculars, her emerald eyes surveyed the area in front of her. Despite looking so odd, she was quite attractive.

"And that's where the Bish is," said another. This other was but a ferret with a shiny silver coat, standing upright. "Not to mention Num. Alright, we bust them out and run. Got it?"

"Ma'am! For the glory of all things…uhh…something!" The Gorgon saluted.

"Alright Ai, we attack in five seconds!"

"Yes Silver Ferret Ma'am!"

Five seconds passed in absolute silence. "…NOW!"

They screamed a battlecry and charged.

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"WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"For the love of—what is it now, dammit?!" Eirika was pissy, needless to say.

"Th-they have…sniff…DOOR GUARDS! WAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"So? Seth, kill 'em."

"Right away, Milady!" Seth readied his lance and spurred his horse…but was quickly stopped by a barrier. "Hey! We can't touch them!"

"Nope. You can't," said one of the two door guards with spiky brown hair.

The other, a blondie, sighed. "Look, we're supposed to tell you some stupid riddle. Can we get it over with?"

"Riddle?" Eirika looked at them quizzically. "Not in the mood. Franz! Maybe you'll have more luck than General Meathead here. Get 'em!"

"Yes Milady!" Franz charged, but he and his horse crumpled into a heap when they hit the barrier. "…Ow…."

"Don't die, Franz," The blonde guard muttered through his hand.

Eirika stepped back. "Okay…fine. What's the riddle?"

"Well," the one with the safety hazard hair began, "see these two entrances behind us?"

"Yeah. And they probably both go to the same place."

"Well, the same building, yes, but different areas. One leads to the main floor, where the battle is supposed to take place, but the other leads to a Bottomless Pit of Doom!"

"Huh."

"Now, see, without walking through, you must guess which one. But, because we're nice—"

"You mean you're nice," the blonde butted in.

"—We'll give you a bit of a chance. See, you may ask one question. One of us tells the truth, and the other lies. You must use our answer to help you guess the correct entrance."

The army huddled up to decide on their question. "Okay, any ideas, all?" Eirika inquired.

"Oooh! Ooooh! Milady! I know!" Seth hooted. "See, I've heard this riddle before. Except different context. This boy was walking down a road, when the road split. Down one way was a village full of people who told the truth, and down the other way was a village of people who told lies. The boy wanted to get to the truthtellers' village, but there was no sign, only a man at the crossroads. So the boy said, 'Take me to your village.' That way, if the man told the truth, he'd get to the truthtellers' village, and if he lied, he'd wind up there anyway!"

"Seth, there's two—" Eirika couldn't stop the meathead as he approached the door guards.

"May you take me down the path you represent?" Seth asked.

The two door guards looked at him quizzically.

"…Seth? There's two of them. The one person thing won't work." Eirika moaned through a hand.

"Ah, but Milady! If anyone had played Kingdom Hearts, they would recognize these two as Sora…" Seth pointed to the spiky haired one, "…and Roxas." He finished with a gesture toward the blonde. "And they would know that they are the same person!"

"Yeah. So? Right now we count as two." Sora shrugged.

Eirika moaned again. "You blew our question, Seth."

"So…guess," Roxas challenged. "Which way? You've got five seconds."

"What?!" Eirika exploded. "FIVE seconds?! That's not even enough time to—"

"Time's up. You gotta die now," said Roxas casually. "But we have to ask another riddle to determine which one of us kills you."

Eirika groaned for the fiftieth time. "Oh, floop. Fine. What is it?"

"Pretty simple," Sora began. "You make a statement. If it's true, I'll kill you, and if it's false, Roxas will."

Then, out of the blue, Eirika smiled calmly, and even chuckled a little. "Silly boy, of course I've read Deltora Quest!" At the cameos' confused looks, she continued: "My statement is…that Roxas will kill me."

The party/group/army puzzled for a moment, before they got it. "Oh, I see!" said Seth, taking on the role of Captain Obvious. "See, if Roxas kills her, that would make her statement true, so Sora would have to kill her. But then she'd already be dead. On the other hand, if Sora killed her, the statement would be false, meaning that Roxas would have to kill her, but again, she'd already be dead. They can't touch her!"

Sora and Roxas exchanged a glance and doubled over laughing. "Hahaha! They think she's safe!"

"But…according to Deltora Quest…." Eirika trailed off.

"Yeah, but you forgot you're dealing with two of us here," Roxas reminded. "So we could both kill you."

"…Oh…shit…."

They were lazily getting up and stretching when suddenly they disappeared.

"Ummmm," said Eirika. Nothing happened. Nothing continued to happen. "What the…?"

"…Maybe their cameo time was up," Franz guessed.

Seth randomly scratched his ear before calling up, "Don't die, Franz!"

"…General? I am sitting on my horse, doing absolutely nothing. How am I going to die?"

"Don't die, Franz!"

"You people have been saying that this whole chapter! Do you enjoy torturing me?"

"Yep. Don't die, Franz!"

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"Their cameo time expired?!" Vulfhild roared. "It isn't safe for me here anymore. Come, my cats! We must retreat! Set someone else on the throne, so that the idiot heroic group thinks it's me!"

"Mew!" said the cats, dragging out by the teeth a befuddled teenager with blue hair and plopping him on the throne.

"Mmm, yes, that thief that was sneaking around. He'll do nicely. And your name, unfortunate fool?"

The boy glared. "Why should I tell you?"

"Because as of now, I can't think of any way to use the knowledge of your name against you."

"…Colm."

"Well, nice knowing you, Colm. Now prepare to be massacred by heroes. Oh, and watch the necromancer there." Vulfhild and her cats retreated.

Colm sighed and rested his head in his hand. "Alright. Who exactly are you?"

"...Lyon. Why?" Lyon groggily opened one eye. Apparently he'd dozed off.

"Like, the necromancer Lyon? The one we fight in the Black Temple with the crush on Eirika and—"

"YES THE SAME ONE!"

The wall exploded into bits without warning, and Lyon fell. Well, of course he fell. He had been chained to a wall, and that wall no longer existed. Out of the entranceway made by the explosion, a Gorgon and a Ferret peeked in.

"MOM!" The Authoress cried from upstairs. "What the HELL are you doing?! The heroes haven't entered the building yet!" Then she descended the stairs, purple and turquoise ankle-length hair swaying softly as if caught in a nonexistent breeze. Her dress billowed, her pale skin shone…and she was clearly pleased that the sound akin to a nuclear explosion was not her mother's doing, but her friend the Ferret and a disgruntled Gorgon. "Oh, hey SF!"

"Hello, Annoying One." Silver Ferret sighed. "Where's the Bish?"

"Under your feet."

"He's in the basement?" The ferret wondered aloud, and was answered by a muffled groan. "Oh! Lyon-chan!" With amazing strength for a ferret, she pulled the poor smashed Necromancer from the rubble.

Ai—the Gorgon, in case you forgot—slithered in front of Lyon. "Hail, Prince. I'm Ai, your minion for this fanfic."

Lyon blinked. "Ai…oh, geez. Don't tell me your last name is Shiteru," he groaned.

"We don't have time," Num butted in. "Let's get this guy back to his temple."

"What about the guy on the throne?" SF asked.

"Colm is supposed to join the Merry Gang of Idiots, if you would recall."

"Ah."

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Once the main party had made it to the actual battleground, things went a lot easier. Franz almost died three times, a bandit ricocheted off of Gilliam into a wall, and Ross missed another bandit, cleaving a dog in two. Still, all was well as they massacred countless bandits, even so much as at a casual pace (in Eirika's case). They reached the throne room without much incident, though having read the ASG (Almighty Strategy Guide), Eirika was baffled as to why Colm didn't appear where he was supposed to.

When they entered the throne room, she was relieved of her worry. Then she became annoyed, as did everyone else, by the sheer amount of crying Neimi suddenly engaged in.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Colm! I…I was so scared for you! I missed you! I was worried! What are you doing in the throne room? Why? Did you steal all the stuff you were supposed to? Is that my mirror? Oh, thank you Colm! And everything else, too! Oh, you're such a good thief, you! Best one I know! No wonder I had trouble finding you! See, first when I went searching, I got attacked by a wyvern rider and a bunch of cats! The wyvern rider flew off after I shot at him, but I only lost the cats after running fifty miles to a resteraunt in the middle of nowhere! So while I was there, I sat down to look at the menu, but then I got a papercut, and ran out screaming! I kept going until I bowled over Gilliam there, and then I joined Eirika's army! Oh, that's Eirika, by the way. She can be real pissy. Like PMS."

"I'm RIGHT HERE, you know," Eirika growled, turning back to kicking the rubble of the blown up wall. Then she stopped cold. All the others looked and froze as well. Neimi quieted. Gilliam stopped rhyming. Seth refrained from telling Franz not to die. Garcia paused in his drink. Ross froze midmotion in running away from Vanessa's Pegasus, which had somehow acquired a Devil Axe. The Pegasus had also halted. Moulder quit looking at his Playboy magazine.

They were all staring at the one piece of wall Eirika had flipped over with her foot.

It read: "LYON WUZ ERE."

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…This took longer than expected.

Al: Meaning you were lazy.

Well…yeah. (-sweatdrop-)

Edward Elric: (-bursts through wall-) How many times do I have to tell you to STOP KIDNAPPING MY LITTLE BROTHER?!

Oh, shut up and get back to Grado. I think Eph needs you to kill something.


	5. Dutchess Nukem

Sorry, all. DevART had stolen my soul...from Roxas. Again. And then I was spriting. And then there was Ysuran. And then...and then...and then...

Chibi Link: ...On her DevART account, however, there has been a startling surge of mostly humorous Sacred Stones fanart. Everything from the way out there to the subtle (-coughLikeEirikaScreamingAtLyonToGetInBedIsSubtlecough-)

Yeah. I'll post the link to my gallery: http / numdenu . deviantart . com / gallery /

CL: Take out the spaces.

The chapter title, BTW, is my view on Lute. Enjoy the twist thrown on her!

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"What do you mean you can't do that transformation thingy anymore?!" A redhead monk cried in dismay. "Now we're ALL doomed! DOOMED!"

A little girl, about ten, with purple hair pulled into pigtails, looked at the ground in shame. "I lost it to a revenant..."

"Oh great. Now I'll have to go out there and banish monsters...again."

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"Okay, here's the plan, all." Eirika paused to munch on a stick of pocky. "We're moving through Za'ha Woods, and there we're picking up some random dude and a pwnsome character, a mage. According to the ASG, this is our first encounter with Revenants and the Entombed, and some other lower class monsters. It should be a piece of cake if...Vanessa, since when could your Pegasus use axes?"

Vanessa only let out a stressed shriek, while the Pegasus in question whickered to itself.

"...Nevermind, I won't ask." Eirika moved on to other subject matters. "Anyway, it should be a piece of cake if we send Fuckwit...no, no, wait, haven't found him yet...it should be easy if we send Carrot Man up ahead to get his ass whooped while the rest of us move at a steady pace across the map. Bring Vulneraries, because no one likes Mold so he isn't coming. And after the skirmish, we're staying in the villages down there. Heard they have killer dumplings." The army nodded in understanding. "Good. Any questions?"

Ross raised his hand. "Who's—"

"Aaa!" Eirika interrupted him. "No talking until I call on you! Now..." She paused. "...Ross?"

"Who's Fuckwit and Carrot Man?"

A sigh. "Carrot Man is our own EXP-hogging paladin here, while Fuckwit is the nickname I have so 'affectionately' given my twin brother. Any...other questions?"

The army did not move.

"Good. Let's go, Minions!"

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Though Silver Ferret had disappeared, Ai had continued to escort Lyon through the...terrain...because that's what covers Magvel...best she could. Currently, they were in the vicinity of Renais Castle, which had remained big and blue despite the occupation of the red-wearing Grado peeps and their ewes. They crept along silently, avoiding the guards, security cameras, and the still konked out Valter—it was easy to trip over that guy!

And lucky for them the quickest way through the vicinity was through the castle's treasury—which meant big cash and nasty magic items!

"Wow! Man, I wish I could use gold! I mean, look! Ten million!" Ai squealed over the pile of gold coins.

"Mmm, yeah, whatever." Lyon was digging through a pile of random magical items. "Hmmm…a Typhoid Staff? I don't think this was in the original game…I'll take it."

"...There is a lot of random stuff here," Ai commented, lifting a detatched Rotten Claw from a weapon heap. "Euuugh..."

Lyon poked through a cupboard. "Here's a ballista..."

"...And a copy of Naglfar..." chimed in Ai.

"And a rock..."

"And a empty soda can..."

"And the Mani Katti..."

"And a Lyn to go with it!" Lyn of Rekka no Ken was added to the duo's pile of loot. "Lots of nice stuff! Let's take it all!"

Lyon paused. "But we can only carry five items each...and you've already got your natural Demon Surge and Stone..."

"Can't Lyn carry something?"

"Not if we're carrying her. You can do that, by the way. And I get dibs on the Naglfar."

Ai groaned as she hoisted the comatose Lord from a different game which Num did not own. "Her plus Mani Katti is four items..."

"Then get that soda can. Don't they know littering is illegal?"

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"Errr…" The horseman in the red trenchcoat snickered. "Guh…h-hair changed…."

"Hm?" The spear-wielder on foot looked up. "What now, Ed? For the love of…." And then he, too, looked up at his hair, which was now half green and half white. Think Heath. "…Shit…Rekka no Ken reference."

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Meanwhile, Vulfhild the Crazy Cat Lady had schemes of her own…which involved writing her own fanfic, in fact. Something about the Iliad and Gackt.

But not only that, she was also plotting her revenge! She leaned back in her cat hair stuffed armchair and smiled wickedly. Right now, her most prized underling, a Wyvern Rider, was making a sweep of the Za'Ha Woods area. Not only would he get experience, but the people there would honor _her_ for dispatching a hero to relieve them of those monsters! And then, they would become the base for her Cat Worshipping Empire! And the dumplings would be hers! All hers!!!

She cackled maniacally before returning to her writing.

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Thus did our army emerge onto the scene of Za'Ha woods. And, much to Eirika's surprise, it was nearly devoid of monster life. "What in the world happened here???"

"I believe a wyvern happened," said a curly-haired monk, who emerged from behind a tree. "Still, I have put forth a great effort to defeat those monsters. Now, travelers, may I trouble you to ask if you've found anything resembling a wand?"

"Sorry Artur, no such luck," Eirika sighed.

"H-how did you know my name?!?"

"I read the strategy guide, duh."

"Oh…al-alright…." Artur, clearly intimidated, sunk to the back of the army. "R-right…then…."

Eirika sighed. "Me and curly are automatically in. Now, I want Carrot Man, Drunkard, don't die Franz because you're in too, Rhyme Dude, Crybaby, and that Pegasus. Got that?"

"But…" Colm offered, "why just the Pegasus?"

"Because unlike Vanessa, it kicks total ass. Any more questions?" Silence. "Great. Let's go!"

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The wyvern rider stared down at the wand in his hand. It looked like something out of Sailor Moon, all frilly and heavily decorated. Not good; he hated those kinds of things (understandably). Maybe he should return it…?

"Sir! I suggest you return that wand!" a girl cried from behind. He turned to look, and saw it was only some random NPC with two purple pigtails. "Which is mine, by the way."

"Fine. Take it."

The girl snatched it. "Yaaaaay! Now I, Clarinette, have once more become powerful!"

"…By way of some girly transformation sequence?"

"Nah, just a flash of light."

"Thank goodness."

"Oh, you're just jealous," Clarinette scoffed. "You, sir, wouldn't know a transformation cutscene if it slapped you in the face with a herring named Cormag."

His eyes narrowed. "How DARE you give my name away to a herring! That's it, you're a dead little girl!"

Clarinette just smirked, and raised the wand in the air. There was indeed a blast of light, and when it cleared, Cormag's jaw dropped.

What on earth had he just gotten himself into?

What kind of sick joke was this?

For the gods' sakes, how the _hell_ was he supposed to fight Lute with such low resistance?

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By now, Renais Castle was far behind our wicked duo.

"I still don't see why we needed to take the soda can."

"Do not question my methods, Ai. Besides, I told you, littering is illegal!"

"But we're antagonists!" Ai protested. "We're supposed to do evil things!"

Lyon sighed. "Littering isn't evil, just extremely rude. Stealing stuff, on the other hand, which we did, is _very_ evil."

"Still, why do we care about litter? Aren't we supposed to disrespect the protagonists?"

"The soda can was not left by the protagonists, Ai." Poor Lyon. Little did he know that, over two years ago, the soda can _was_, in fact, left there by the protagonists—Ephraim, to be exact. Eirika only drank diet; the regular was too sweet for her sophisticated tastes. And not just any diet; it _had_ to be Pepsi, or so help you God!

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Speaking of, over in the woods, she was almost single-handedly cleaning up. "Ha! We've checked in at all the villages! There's no way they won't give us dumplings now! So, who found Lute?"

Franz raised his hand. "Yeees?"

"Lute's over there chasing Cormag with a Fimbulvetr."

Eirika paused for a moment. "…Cormag."

"Yes."

"And…Fimbulvetr."6

"Yes, Milady."

"Why?"

"I don't know; I kept my distance for fear of losing my head."

"Get Carrot Man to go break it up, will you? And see about recruiting Cormag while you're at it."

"Yes Milady."

Eirika sighed as Franz rode off. "Forget dumplings. Cakewalk skirmish and early wyvern rider!" She rubbed her hands together in sinister anticipation.

It is at this point the readers may note that Eirika seems more like an antagonist than Lyon and Ai. I mean, come on, the way she treats her troops, and her _twin brother_? Just the way she thinks is more sinister than any villain in this fic! And yes, that does include Fomortiis. Truly, it should be her who takes the role of antagonist. However, so as not to confuse readers, we shall continue to refer to her as the protagonist, although it is now grossly inaccurate.

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A tree froze solid. Cormag continued urge his wyvern on, frantic for his life, as spell after icy spell was slung in his direction. Curse all mages not equipped with healing staves. Curse them all! Why, if he only had the money, he'd go and buy himself some Talismans to raise his resistance and kill them all!

If he made it out of there alive. He zoomed over a random misplaced trio—a green haired Troubadour, a wild-looking man with an axe, and a disgruntled brunette—and got the hell away from the battlescene. Better to live for dumplings another day.

The wyvern now bore its rider at a more leisurely pace over the…er…terrain…yeah. Cormag sighed. Dratted crazy lady with her axe would have his hide for failure. "Man, have I fucked up, Genarog," he said to his wyvern. "What the hell am I gonna do now?"

The wyvern in question—Genarog—made almost a cooing sound. "You're right, buddy. The storm will pass."

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Eirika stopped dead. "What do you mean they're out of dumplings?!"

Clarinette shrugged. "That's what they told me."

"…Turn into Lute again and show them your wrath. I will not leave without trying those dumplings!"

"But my Fimbulvetr only has ten uses after that wyvern!"

"Use something else, then!" Eirika's patience was waning fast. "I don't care if you scare them into submission with a rubber duck! I want those dumplings!"

"…Why don't you scare them into submission?"

"Because I want to save my rapier for skewering things more relevant to the plot, and other than that, all I have is an Iron Sword."

While Clarinette and Eirika bickered, none other than Vulfhild snuck around the background, razing the villages, before returning to her lair with the precious dumpling recipie.

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Ed sighed. "AGAIN, Lord Ephraim?"

The lance fighter on foot who was finally revealed to be Ephraim again glanced at his hair. "Red-orange…someone burnt down a village. Hey…Kyle, what happened to Forde?"

"First, Milord, that question was completely random," Kyle droned in monotone. "And second, I have no idea."

"Drat. What could be worse?"

"Well, your sister could be having a hissy fit over dumplings she could not acquire thanks to the efforts of a mage, a wyvern rider, and a short woman with an axe," Kyle suggested.

Ed scrolled up and read the previous paragraphs, temporarily breaking the fourth wall. "Yep. That's happened."

"Craaaaaap!" Eph wailed in dismay, curling up into the fetal position. "Save me from my evil sister!"

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I can't think of anything else to write.

CL: And we don't even know who Ysuran is.

Well…I was playing "Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance 2" for the original Xbox, though it works fine for the 360. And Ysuran is a blue-haired shirtless elf necro that can shoot poison bolts. Very hawt. (-drools-)

CL: Err…review?


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